I woke up feeling better physically today. My stomach isn't normal, but I haven't been in bed since noon like yesterday. The kids helped me put away Christmas this morning and we got the downstairs looking like my house again after bedroom changes, Christmas and a son leaving. C has definitely been on my mind all day, but I've been okay. Until...
I took the kids to the park this afternoon. I just sat there as the kids ran around chasing each other on the playground. Then a two year old with red hair walked by. That was it. My mind raced back seventeen years to when C looked just like him. His soft red hair, light complexion and not a single freckle. I remember C being that young boy. I sat there watching him as tears ran down my face. After a couple minutes and trying to distract myself, the older brother around seven years of age with red hair, went running by. I felt as though I was watching C grow before my eyes. Just a couple minutes after that, I overheard two fathers talking behind me and one saying, "These kids just grow up so fast." I thought to myself, "You have NO idea!" I've been warned of this. This whole thing of enjoying your kids because they grow up too fast. And enjoy the craziness and the noise because someday you'll miss it. I never bought into that. I didn't have time to. All it takes though is to have one leave and it hits.
It seems like after the park one thing after another kept reminding me of C. His bedroom that is no longer his bedroom. His car that is no longer his car. His tower of Burek sitting in the fridge that he would have eaten all three meals yesterday. The Christus above the mantel and the spotlight on it that he requested. Not needing to make as much lunch for everyone.
I've been so positive and not a downer about C leaving at all. But I am sick and tired of people saying, "You wouldn't want him anywhere else." Yes, you're right. But, I need to be validated on my feelings. My son just left for two years. There is a hole in our home. I miss his hugs and how he sincerely cared about me. I miss his example here. I know our family will be blessed for him serving. I know that. But this is about being real and I need it.
I did find out how to get him a letter tomorrow that I wrote today so that makes me happy. I know that he will be okay. I know that he is where he has prepared to be his entire life. I know there are people praying for answers and direction in Mexico and that he is the Lord's tool to help them. Knowing that, makes it all worth it.
To the dear people of Guadalajara, my son will be there soon. God is preparing you for His message. My son has prepared his entire life for this. He will share what he knows to be true. He will testify of our Savior Jesus Christ and the gift of the atonement. He will share with you the Book of Mormon. It is a favorite of mine and I know it to be true. Our family will keep you in our prayers along with my son, who is now serving as a missionary for The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints.
Me--A missionary mom
I suppose that was some insight that I needed just now. I'm quite humbled actually. Going to bed grateful again.
ITP-a year later
2 months ago