You look like me

I got my hair colored a couple days ago.  It's darker than I expected, but I really like it.  When B got home from school, she said, "Your hair is dark!  It's brown like mine.  You look like me.  Can I call you B?"  I got a huge smile on my face and told her that yes, of course, she could call me B.  So she has.  She went on to say that we needed matching outfits and that I needed eyes like hers.  I told her that that was a great idea. She relished in the fact that she looked like somebody.  Somebody in the family.

I've been thinking about it ever since.  Whenever I am out with the girls, people always comment about how S and I look alike.  And then they go on and on about how B's coloring is so different, and she must look like her daddy and on and on.  Sometimes I'll explain and other times I just smile and nod my head hoping that I don't always have to say that she is adopted the rest of her life.

I got dressed up for little g's baptism this morning and S came down the stairs in a dress she likes to wear.  I was shocked.  I had just purchased my own outfit this past week and it looked so much like S's dress.  I told her that B needed to wear that dress today so that B and I could look like twins.  With some bribery, she gave in.  B put the dress on and I pointed out how we matched each other.  We went out back and snapped some pictures of the two of us before we headed out to the baptism.

There she was.  My beautiful little girl.  We looked like each other.  We looked at each other.  She wanted to kiss.

After looking at the pictures I recognized my same smile I had the day that I met her.  Still so happy and grateful.

I loved looking at her as my "twin" today.  I could see the sparkle in her eye as we shared that familiarity. We won't always have the same dark hair or matching outfits.  But we can always "look" like each other in our Heavenly Father's eyes.  We are both daughters of God and He loves us.  I am teaching her to love Him.  I am hoping that I can live my life in a way that she will want to emulate.  That we can be seen by others as "like each other".  She makes me smile and happy.  She gives me true joy.  I am humbled today that I was trusted to be her mother.  I am so grateful.

So happy for my hair that was "too dark" that is absolutely perfect and makes my daughter say, "You look like me!"

We are all the same

The girls and I went to Z Gallerie today.  Somehow we got there without a stroller so it was a bit of a nightmare.  It's definitely a "put your hands in your pockets" store.  Thing is...both the girls had their babies with them, so the hands were out and the girls were in heaven looking at or rather, touching all the shiny decor around the store. 


An African American male came over to me while pointing to B, and asked, "How did she decide on her doll?"  It's a little black baby.  It was kind of awkward knowing what he was insinuating but not coming right out and saying .  Then I just said, "She picked it out and she loves it."   He smiled and told me how cool that was.  (Meaning a white child carrying around her beloved black baby doll.)  I know I'm not being politically correct here, but that's not what this is about. He admitted that he is now 47 years old and that never would have been seen when he was a child.  He then told me of some story that has been in the news and the big question was, "How do your teach your children that?"  Then he said, "Just like that I guess."  Then he said how cool it was again.  


I remember when D and I submitted our adoption papers seven years ago.  That's crazy to think about!  How could it have been so long ago?  Anyway, on the paper work you can be very specific as to what ethnicity you're willing to go with.  D and I looked at each other and then began checking off each box.  We were fine with any baby.  It didn't matter to us.  We just wanted a baby girl.  


So when the man asked about B and her baby, I felt like he was asking me.  It was so simple.  I had just wanted a baby.  When B saw those dolls at Target, it was such a sweet and tender moment that I had to get it for her.  


We wandered into the mall this morning without thinking a thing about it.  It made that guys day.  I know that because after about our fourth time circling the store, he came over to B and asked her, "Where did your baby go?"  I had to tell him that she was in my purse because B was having a fit and wanted to leave the store, now.  It was very interesting.  He paid no attention to S and her baby, just B and her baby.  It made me feel like there has been some change in this country.  I haven't done some monumental thing.  Actually, yes I have.  Because actions speak louder than words.  It made me proud.  Actually, I'm crying right now.  Happy to know that I'm teaching good things and that I made that man's day.  


Tonight we discussed some things similar to this for FHE.  We talked about religion, ethnicity, nationality, race, income, sexual preference, and many other things and how it just doesn't matter.... We are all the same!

Adoption....it's about love

For years D wanted to adopt.  I wasn't interested and didn't quite buy into it seeing how we were able to have our own biological children.  I felt like I was "robbing" a baby from someone that couldn't have children, worried that I might not love an adopted child as much as my own biological children, or disappointed that they wouldn't look like us, have our same mannerisms or similar talents.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with little g, and after finding out that I would soon have my fifth boy that I felt good about the idea.  I called D at work one day and told him that I felt good about it.  He was shocked and asked, "Really?"  I reassured him about my decision.  I told him that I hadn't had a spiritual experience or anything, but that I felt at peace about it. 

We got on it right away.  Over the course of the next several months we spoke to the people we needed to speak to, filled out all of the required applications, did our background checks, had our home checked and everything else that goes into adopting.  It was a lot of work.  But we grew more excited as time went on and were happy as we were checking things off of our to do list. 

I was just over four months along pregnant with little g when we had our first meeting with the adoption agency.  I remember sitting there not even feeling silly that I was pregnant and wanting another baby too.  It felt so normal.  I explained our situation and how I so dearly wanted to adopt a baby.  I cried as I expressed my deepest feelings about the matter.  I truly wanted to adopt a baby.  I knew it was right.

Almost two and a half long years went by before we got the call that B had arrived.  We had pretty much given up hope about adopting a baby thinking that perhaps we had just needed to learn about the process, become less judgemental, or perhaps have a child or future daughter-in-law that would or might have been through the process.  We had almost convinced ourselves that we were okay if it didn't work out.  We knew that we were already blessed with five beautiful boys.

One Monday evening, we received a phone call from the agency saying that a little girl had been born the night before and that we could pick her up on Friday.  We cried and cried at the thought of becoming parents to a little girl.  D and I both got on the phone with our families telling them that we would have a daughter in just four days.  I remember telling my dad and hearing him cry to my mom that we got a girl.  It happened that fast.  This new baby that none of us knew, was one of us.  Immediately we felt that she was our little girl.  We couldn't wait to see her.  To hold her.  To introduce ourselves and then to bring her home.  It was a long three days waiting to see her.  I remember the drive to the hospital and already truly loving her.  I had only known she existed for three days and didn't care what she looked like, I knew she was mine.

I remember the first time I held her there in the hospital.  I told her that her name was B, and that I was her mommy.  I told her that she had a daddy named D and five big brothers.  I dressed her, carefully placed her in her carseat and then took her to meet the family. 

I remember looking at her next to little g, or S when she was a baby and truly not being able to tell which children were my biological children.  They were all mine.  It's truly one of the most miraculous things I've ever seen or been apart of. 

B will be in Kindergarten this next fall.  I look at her and am so grateful that she is a part of our family.  She has dark brown hair and the prettiest brown eyes.  She has a small bone structure.  So no, she doesn't look like either of us.  But....she completes our family!  She sings in front of audiences and she leads the singing every week in FHE.  She is a little mother to S.  She's smart as a whip.  She adds so much to our family that the rest of us don't or can't do.  Of course I'm leaving out tons of details and so many miracles that are a part of our story, but it's important for me to share this with you.

I have a friend that I met over fifteen years ago when she was a young teenager.  She is such a sweet girl with a cute husband and they too are wanting to adopt a baby.   They've been through all the emotions of whether or not to adopt.  They've grieved the possibility of not having their own biological children.  But they are ready, approved and waiting for their phone call.  It's my hope that they too can experience the miracle of having their own family.  It doesn't matter how we become families, just that we do.  I find myself telling little g that every once in awhile. 

Their names are Brian and Amanda and you can see their profiles here.  They have a button on my sidebar.  Learn about them.  Tell your friends and families about them.  Keep your ears open for girls or women that are wanting to place their babies.  Word of mouth is huge!  Help me help them start a family.  It will make me happy!

Adoption.....it's about love.  And it's their turn!!

I thought of you today

We just got back from the park where the little kids and I had a picnic and then played afterwards. While we were there, little g came running up to me and told me that "that little girl's name is _____". I told him to run back and play with her. Just after doing so, I remembered that that is your name. A name I'll cherish forever.

I think of you often actually. I wonder how you're doing. If you're healthy and have what you need. If you're taking care of yourself. I wonder if you wonder how "our" daughter is doing. I wonder if you think about her constantly. Whether or not she's happy, healthy, loved and taken care of.

If you do, the answer is yes. We adore our B, which we have named her. She is just as beautiful as Snow White. She has beautiful brown hair and brown eyes. She proudly wears the Snow White dress that I made for her birthday. She wears it around the house, out in her doll house, for Halloween and I've even let her wear it to the grocery store.

She attends primary now at church. She loves it. She's learning songs and more stories from the scriptures. She reminds us at home to pray at meal time, to read our scriptures and all the things that Jesus said to do or not to do.

She knows that she was adopted. She likes it. I made a special book for her over a year ago. It's her favorite book in the world. She has a picture of you and knows that you are her "Birth momma". She knows of my love for you. We include you in our prayers.

Her daddy and brothers adore her. When I first left the hospital after picking her up, the boys called me and asked all about her wondering what she looked like. I wasn't home half an hour when my oldest son that was almost 15 said, "Mom, I love B so much". I cried and cried as I was witnessing a miracle in our home. We had longed for a daughter. She was our daughter as soon as I received the phone call that she had arrived. To this day, the boys tell me that they can't believe that she was adopted. They say that it seems like she came out of my tummy just like the rest of the kids. I tell you that so that you know how well she has been accepted into our family. She is one of us.

She loves to go to the park. She loves to swim. She likes play dates with all of her little friends. She can't wait to go to Disneyland and see all the princesses.

Her very best friend is her little sister S. They are less than nine months apart. They are so cute together and truly best friends. I'm so glad that she has a sister. Sisters are blessings.

Exactly one year after I picked her up, we took her with our family to the St. George temple and had her sealed to our family for time and all eternity. She still talks about it. She talks of how she was in the temple when she was a baby. She's learning the importance of families and having them be together forever. She loves me to sing "I Love to See the Temple" to her.

Just over a year ago, I had a really spiritual experience with her. I was compiling my thoughts and pictures of an accident I had been through about fourteen years earlier. She saw a picture of just my legs and told me, "Help you mommy. Help you." I asked what she was talking about. She pointed to the picture again and said the same things. I wanted more details from her but she knew nothing more and never spoke of it again. At a certain point after that accident I did have "help". I had wondered who all my help was. I was touched and humbled to know that "our" daughter all those years ago, helped me through something. It's truly miraculous.

Know that I love you. That I think about you. That I'm grateful for you and the decision you made to place B with our family. She is loved, healthy and happy. We cannot imagine our life without her.

So many times I wish that I could write you or send pictures of her. But I respect your decision. I've never been in your shoes so I can't say what I would have done. But know this, I love you. She loves you. And I thought of you today.

Can someone please get me a tissue?

There's got to be a box around here somewhere. Can someone please get me a tissue? I'm a blubbering mess.

First of all, I've become friends with a mother from G's soccer team. She goes to a spanish branch in the LDS church. I asked her if she had grown up in the church or if she was a convert. She then went on to tell me this most amazing story. She grew up in Mexico City. From the time she was eleven she started doubting her church's beliefs. She talked of how she questioned a lot of things. How she was building a relationship with the Lord. How she read and loved her Bible. As a teenager she went to live with a relative and secretly studied all kinds of religions hoping to find the "true" church. She remembers driving by the Mexico City LDS temple several times and thinking how beautiful it was and that you must be rich to go in there. She loved seeing the men in their dark suits and the women in their beautiful wedding dresses out on the temple grounds. She secretly had a wish that she could go in someday.

When she was twenty she left for the United States where she had been told that she could live with her brother and his wife in their apartment that had a swimming pool. Eager to study english and her search for the "true" church, she headed north and crossed the border. There she found a one bedroom and one bathroom apartment shared by her brother, his wife, another brother and a friend. She then wondered where in the world she would sleep and keep her stuff. She was told that she would lay in the hall next to her brother at night while the friend would have the couch. She would sleep with one eye open knowing that the friend was a stranger to her. She wondered why she left her large home in Mexico. Her brother told her that she needed to go get a job. She was shocked and scared. She only knew a few english words such as jello and a handful of other words. She was scared out of her mind to go out and ask for an application. She could hardly say the word. Her brother told her to go to McDonalds. She was offended at that because that would be a step back from where she had been working, but her brother explained that that's how it works here. You have to start somewhere and then build from there. Every where she went she carried her Bible next to her chest. It was the only "friend" that she had in her new life in the U.S. Five days after arriving in the U.S. she met two white men in white shirts that could speak spanish. She couldn't believe it and wondered how they had learned spanish so well. Well, they were the LDS missionaries and she took the discussions at McDonalds after her work shifts so that her brothers wouldn't know what she was doing.

She told her mother back in Mexico that she had decided to be baptized. Her mother told her that she would no longer be a member of the family, along with her brothers that she was living with. As she stood in the baptismal font, she was sobbing saying, "sorry mama, sorry mama". She knew she was doing the right thing.

Not long after that she met her huband. He had arrived from Peru the same year she had. They made an agreement to take turns going to each other's churches. After awhile, he didn't want to go to his anymore. He liked hers. The time came that they became engaged. While they were out one day, he asked her if they were going to go to the baptism of someone in their singles branch. She said, "yes". They arrived at the church and she got busy talking to the other people there and then wondered where her fiance had gone. She turned around and he stood there in his white outfit ready to be baptized. She began crying when she realized whos baptism it was. Her friends had kept this secret for over a month and she had no idea that any of this had even gone on. He told her that he wanted to take her to the temple some day. A year later they were married in the Los Angeles Temple.

I hear of pioneer stories all the time. You know the ones. My great great great grandfather...I love those stories. I cherish my own family's stories. But it was inspiring to hear her conversion and all the things that she had to go through because of something she knew for herself. Her mother eventually was accepting of her daughter's decision and told her to stay in the states. She was better off there. It was beautiful. I told her that.

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I tucked B in bed tonight. I mean I really tucked her in, not just the kiss and saying, "I love you B, good night". We knelt down and said her first night time prayer. It was adorable. She repeated everything I said until we got thanking for mom, dad,....she was able to rattle them off all by herself. As I tucked her in, I told her a story.

Once upon a time there was a mommy and a daddy and they had five boys. The mommy and the daddy and the five brothers all wanted a baby girl in their family. After waiting a long time for a baby girl, they got a phone call. The daddy answered the phone and the man said, "We have a baby girl for you". The mommy and the daddy and the five brothers were so excited to finally have a baby girl in their family. Three days later the mommy went to the hospital and the nurses asked, "Can we help you?" The mommy said, "I'm here to get my baby". When the mommy saw the baby girl she picked her up and held her. She told her that her name was B and that she was her mommy. She told the baby that she had a daddy and five brothers. The mommy dressed her baby girl in a cute pink tutu, put her in her carseat and went to visit her daddy at work. After she saw her daddy she went home and was greeted by her brothers. It wasn't long before her big brother C said, "B, I love you so much". B, I'm so glad that I'm your mommy. I love your birth momma. I love that she gave you to me. I love you B.

I was sobbing as I held my cheek next to hers. I've thought about this story for months. I've stressed out about it wanting it to be perfect, wondering how many details to put in it, waiting for the right Shutterfly sale, and so on. But tonight, it was perfect. It was beautiful. I can't wait to tell it to her tomorrow night.

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I just got back from helping set up a wedding reception for tomorrow night. Funny thing is, I don't have a clue who the people are that are getting married. My soccer friend invited me to the wedding tomorrow night to experience their culture. It was the least I could do was go and help. After all, everyone can use help setting up a reception. I stand corrected. Not in her culture. It was so neat. I counted thiry one, yes THIRTY ONE people setting up chairs, tables, cutting ribbons, filling vases and tying up boxes. Not just women either. I thought, okay, this is definately a different culture. That's thirty people from a branch helping each other out for a wedding. It was such a foreign concept.

One of my friends is married to a Hawaiian and they go back regularly to visit. Every time she comes back she speaks of being the "howli" (I know that's probably not how you spell it, that's just how I spell it in my head) at all the famliy parties. I felt like that tonight. I was the only white person (as my friend calls me) there. It was kind of funny.

While at soccer today my friend was telling me about a wedding she went to in Bountiful. She said that they walked in ready for the celebration and were greeted at the door with a long line of people. They sat down at a table and were brought a small plate with a piece of cake and a tiny cup of nuts to eat. I wish you could have seen her face as she was telling me this. I fell back on the lawn laughing my head off knowing she was right about the "white people's" culture. She and her family sat there wondering where everyone was headed and why they were leaving. Didn't anyone want to stay to dance and celebrate with them?

So, I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. A night where I'll only understand numbers, and any words I may have heard on Sesame Street or Dora the Explorer. I'm excited for the dancing and the celebrating. I'm excited to learn and witness another culture. It's going to be great. Isn't it a beautiful thing that we're all so different?

B's Sealing

It finally happened! I knew it was going to be a great day but it was amazing. We listened to "I Love To See The Temple" on the way there that morning. As soon as we could see the temple in St. George, g said, "There it is. There's the temple". He had been telling me for three days that he wanted to go to the temple. That's when I knew that that day was going to be better than I had even imagined. When we arrived the kids were taken to the nursery where they changed into their white clothes. D and I were escorted to our rooms. I got to go to the Bridesroom. I felt like a bride. It was so fun. They let me pick out a dress and I felt so pretty. We were then taken up to the sealing room. After a few minutes there, the kids started filing in one by one in their white slacks, shirts, ties and socks. Even little g. That's when the tissue box was handed to me. Two ladies followed the boys in with B and S in their cute white dresses. I had just requested a few days earlier for a white sealing room because I wanted to see my kids in white. I will never see anything better than that the rest of my life. It truly was heaven! After the sealing, our little yet large family, had a big group hug. It was great. We were then congratulated by our families and friends. I couldn't have asked for a better experience.