My Story is now Complete

As I was typing the different days of my Louisville trip, I came up with some conclusions.

1.  I'm doing well.  Really well.  Just last fall I cancelled three trips due to my anxiety, so to think I went to D asking him if I could go by myself is almost miraculous.

2.  I love road trips.

3.  I giggle a lot.

4.  I also cry a lot.

5.  I pull a lot of weird faces and do funny poses in pictures.

6.  I like to do stupid fake scenario pictures.  They make me happy.

7.  I learned that I like to make lists and check things off.  It feels good.

8.  I also enjoy winging it most of the time.  :)

Maybe the biggest thing of all.... I feel like I had a trip of a lifetime.  More than I ever could have expected.  And yet, not once have I worried about what might be lurking around the corner as to what trial I'm going to have to go through next.  I'm learning to live by faith and not by fear.  It's been a long time coming.  April 7th may be one of the greatest days in my life, but it also brought a lot of worry and fear for the next twenty years.  Worrying that if I was really prepared, something would happen.  Worried that if I went through other difficult challenges, I wouldn't receive miracles or help because I had already had mine.  Worried that if things were really good, then most certainly something bad was bound to happen.  Isn't that crazy that for twenty years I could be so vocal about knowing God loves me, and that miracles happen, yet, those same twenty years I've lived in fear of being abandoned when I would have to go through something tragic again?  Had I not learned anything?  Better late than never. As I'm sitting here typing and crying again, I'm realizing that I've just put all the pieces together.  My story is now complete.

My bench

This morning I did a five mile loop that I used to do all the time several years ago.  I walked up the hill two and a half miles and then I ran all the way back.  While on my way up the hill I saw a bench and couldn't wait until I would see it again on my way down.  I quickly gained momentum with an urgency to return to the bench.  As I was running down the hill it seemed like forever wondering where that bench was.  And then I saw it.  And I sat on it.  And I started to pour out my heart to a loving Father in Heaven.  I was sobbing while expressing so much gratitude for where I am today, the fact that I can walk again after not being able to for a year and a half, for the beautiful air, for the help of losing weight, for being so happy, for being a new me.  I didn't want to leave my bench when I was done.  Somehow it seemed so sacred to me.  I continued on my run grateful for my experience and so grateful for so much.

The last missionary blessing

The house is quiet and dark with everyone sleeping except myself.  I can't sleep and haven't for twenty three days now.  I am tired.  Like cry at everything tired.  I just want to sleep.  At first I couldn't sleep because of my leg once arriving home from surgery.  My knee hurt and then there was a dull ache in the bottom of my leg and I couldn't ever get comfortable.  I've tried different medications but nothing.  Lortab made me feel anxious.  NO thank you!  Motrin was better than nothing. Valium.  Nothing.  Pain medicine with sleep enhancer.  Nothing.  My leg no longer hurts in bed but I toss around a lot and D points out that my restless leg syndrome had kicked in again for a couple days.  Great.  Now I just want to sleep.  But I can't.  I wake up at 10:30 sure to find that I've slept for several hours and disappointed when I see the clock.  Perhaps my mind is subconsciously running without me even knowing it.  I do have a lot on my plate right now.  My plate. Nobody elses.  That's why the post.

For a long time now I have asked, "Why me?" or compared myself or situations to others.  Not everything.  I know better than that.  Just some things.  Like, "Why am I the only sister with gray hair when we're all so close in age?"  Or, "Why am I the kid in the family with all these stupid health things like psycho anxiety, a stupid toe that kept me from running a marathon with my siblings, a back that goes out of wack and makes me stop exercising, a knee that has gotten me so down about myself this last year that took me from the best shape of my life to the absolute worst shape in my life with the handfuls of cottage cheese on my legs to prove it?"  To the latest one after my surgery, comparing myself to my grandma who's in her eighties that just had a knee replacement and did super, so super in fact that she had a different surgery for something else just two weeks later.  What's my problem?  Then I had a dear neighbor come over two days ago and ask how my knee was doing.  I responded, "Fine".  He said he knew what that meant.  He couldn't believe that I wasn't in physical therapy and that my knee would lock up like that forever.  With how my knee has felt I've thought the same thing but feel stupid thinking everyone was thinking that I was milking this for everything I could.  It's been embarrassing.  I hated using crutches for two weeks.  I hate hobbling around now.  My knee is so stiff and so swollen still.  I don't like how much I can bend it.  It needs to bend more.

I went into the surgery telling my doctor that I just wanted to come out whole again.  I thought I would be me in four days.  Not running yet, but getting around normal.  So I've been sorely disappointed.  I mean really, right now?  I don't have time for this.  I had Thanksgiving to worry about.  In fact, story to note.  My cute sister had gotten the impression from me that I wasn't doing as well as I had expected and she made, MADE all of my dishes for me to take to D's family's Thanksgiving.  She made two pies, over fifty rolls and corn for our family to take.  It was one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.  I couldn't believe that she would or could do that for me when she was hosting her own Thanksgiving and she is the busiest and most involved woman that I know.  Yet, she had time to help me.  I love you L.  I have Christmas shopping to do. Hair to get colored so I'm not a skunk.  A missionary coming home.  My first college kid returning home for Christmas.  Getting my missionary boy set up for college.  D's work party and gifts for his employees.  Family picture outfits to coordinate.  Christmas traditions with my younger children.  Making my house perfect before C comes home.  Having an open house for C the day A flies in. Finding a musical number for C's homecoming.  Feeding family after C's homecoming talk at church.  Making everything perfect.

You see where this is taking me?  I recognize the signs.  It's called the vortex and I don't want to get sucked in.  I'm tired and my thoughts are negative.  I could easily be on my way to a month of anxiety but I don't have time for that nor do I want to.  So, my thoughts are changing.

I have said so many times the last few weeks how I want things perfect for C when he gets home.  In all seriousness it means the house, yard and garage.  Using the word perfect isn't healthy.  I realized that two days ago and told myself that my house is fine.  In a good way, not just a coping way.  That "perfect", would simply  be  having my missionary home and hugging him again.  We're planning on making signs for when he arrives at the airport.  And maybe one on the house for when we pull up would be awesome too.  And what if they were vinyl so that I could pull out the same one for each boy?  And what about the red carpet I use for my veterans?  And why don't I look on Pinterest for some ideas?  STOP!!  That's when the Spirit told me, "No, do not look on Pinterest!  You need to simplify."  So, I didn't look.  This isn't a contest for the neatest looking banners, most balloons, and glitzy show.  We're welcoming back our boy who has served the Lord for two years.  So, the kids will make their own posters and that will be perfect. It's perfect for my situation right now.

In February I was in super shape and was busting out planks, mens push ups, running, doing weights and was so proud of myself.  I was on track and wouldn't my missionary be so proud of me when he got home.  And then my knee began to be really stiff and I was limited on what I could do.  And then I had the worst anxiety I have ever had.  (I need to write about that. I just haven't known how to express my thoughts regarding it.)  My anxiety kept me from doing anything but merely surviving.  I couldn't eat and lost twenty pounds in two weeks.  I returned to boot camp and my knee had gotten worse.  I haven't done anything since then really.  My metabolism was shot.  I waited it out thinking it would get better with time.  It didn't.  I felt like people thought I was faking or all talk.  Made me think back to when I mentioned we were looking into adoption at a family reunion I went to, and thinking everyone just thought I was full of it then.  I hate people that try to get attention so I feel like people have thought that was me the last year.  Anyway, as the months have gone by, my leg hasn't gotten better and I've continued to get more frustrated so it was time to make things happen and get surgery. Wow, I am all over the place today.  Anyway, I have said many times this year, "I can't look like this when C gets home!"  That has added pressure to myself and the whole perfect thing.  A friend told me this week, "C will not care.  He will be happy to be with his momma who has loved him, supported him and written him every week for two years."  I thought about that.  I know he loves me. Once my leg is better I can do better.  (I know it's diet too for those of you just dying to say that.  But this is me and I'm working on one thing at a time.)

I got into my doctor yesterday because I had concerns about my knee.  It is still huge and really stiff and the mobility isn't as good as I thought it should be.  I went in nervous prepared for him to drain it.  I hid behind my nervous giggle as I was talking to him and then listening.  He told  me that I was fine and that I was only three weeks out.  He asked me to bend my knee as far as I could.  Somehow it bent back a little more than the ninety degrees I get.  He seemed satisfied.  He put me on a six day steroid for the inflammation and said that I would see a big difference.  He told me to stay off of stairs and not to do any squats or lunges.  I can do the elliptical every other day on the level setting.  Really wondering if my doctor knew more than me at that point, I asked, "Really, I'll be okay?  I just thought I would be fine after four days because you said that men have the surgery on Friday and are back to work on Monday."  He then reassured me that I would see a difference, I would be okay and that I was once again only three weeks out.  He pointed out that I had a lot of arthritis in there that they cleaned up.  I left feeling better about things.  While driving through the parking lot to leave, the Spirit helped me recognize the fact that I had been comparing again and that no one had my exact knee.  Not my grandma.  Not my neighbor.  Not my friend's neighbor.  No two situations are exactly the same.  This was my knee and it would get better over time.  I was so grateful for that insight.  I could now heal.

While at my hairdresser yesterday morning, she asked me how I was doing and I told her I was tired and began sobbing.  She was cute and gave me a little pep talk.  She also gave me some melatonin swearing that it would work and I would have sleep again.  I was so excited.  Last night when taking my last steroid pills for the day I didn't dare take the melatonin not knowing if it would be safe to take them together.  So, I had yet another sleepless night.  But....just before getting out of bed this morning and frustrated again with no sleep, the Spirit helped me recognize that I was possibly the last missionary blessing before C arrives on Monday.  This last week I have learned so much about not comparing with others.  It's been a hard lesson but one of which I am so grateful to have learned.  I know that there isn't another just like me out there.  There are no two situations alike.  I will have more compassion on others with whatever circumstances they have.  No judgments made.  So grateful to be possibly the last blessing our family receives from C serving a mission for the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints.

How am I feeling?

Happy Hour

I've been singing "It's five o'clock somewhere" in my head all day after talking to one of my cute aunts this morning.  She was checking in on me to see how I was doing after reading a blog post from a couple weeks ago.  I told her that I was in a good place and that my Derby party had been a success.  We briefly talked about anxiety and some of the things that I have learned in the last couple years.  I found myself asking her why I am I like this?  Not so much, why does it have to be me?  But, why is it me?  Why do I think and respond the way I do?  She didn't have a scientific answer for me, I may never have one, but she reassured me that I would be able to help someone else or have empathy for others while they are going through difficult times.  I cried as I heard her say those things knowing them already to be true.  


I opened up about being a "good" mother.  I shamefully admitted that I don't know how to be happy at home.  I'm grateful that I am a mother.  I'm grateful that I can be a stay at home mom.  I love each of my seven children.  I love D and all that he does for our family.  But I'm not "me" around my family.  My children and D don't see me laugh like others do.  I'm not playful and I don't kid or tease.  All I do is nag and say, "I'm sick of it!" I don't know how many times a day.  If I died today my kids would probably say that I'm always "ticked".  It's a lovely feeling.  


D was thoughtful earlier this week and came to the conclusion that I am overwhelmed and offered to get me some help rather it be counseling, a maid, laundry service, yard care guys, etc.  I think I'm resentful.  Feeling like I can't do everything and wondering why no one else notices things that need to be done or picked up and then just do them.  


It seems so easy.  That my being happy is conditioned on "them" and the condition of my house, yard, suburban and rental house.  


After hearing me sob through the phone, my cute aunt pointed out that being a mother is the hardest job in the world.  That it is a relentless job.  That it is a thankless job for years.....until one day........some day.


She had recently heard a talk about just this and the challenges mothers face.  They spoke of trying to be happy for just one hour.  She looked at the clock and said, "Okay, it's almost noon here so for one hour, we're going to have a happy hour".  Then we can message each other tonight and tell each other what we did in our happy hour.  


There was something about what she told me that gave me this new found hope for happiness. It seemed attainable.  I could be happy for one hour.  I then realized that I could choose to be happy during my "Happy Hour".  That's when the song hit.  All of a sudden I realized that it's five o'clock somewhere.  It's happy hour somewhere.  I could choose to have my very own "Happy Hour" when ever I wanted because it's five o'clock somewhere.  I could even choose to be happy one hour and then another, and then another.  I got this new excitement for the day and what I could accomplish with this new attitude.  


I hung up the phone and picked up my pick and got back to digging up the front walkway out front, happily.  It was almost as if I were playing a game with myself.  What else could I do in my hour?  I finished the morning dishes, and then I talked with the girls on the couch in a funny voice.  I was doing it.  I was happy.  Was it really that simple?  


But then the thought came to me.  It's easy to be happy right now because almost everyone is gone and no one is making a mess.  But that is when I remembered that I could have my "Happy Hour" whenever I wanted it, and I mostly needed it when my family was around.  I thought of all the "Happy Hours" I could have and what I'd do.  Some "Happy Hours" might be filled with a different tone of voice when I ask the children to put away their socks, rinse off their dishes, pick up the pillows, etc.  Other hours might be doing my daily cleaning but happy to do so because I love my family.  Other hours might be slipping away to my beloved bubble baths.  If I take one hour at a time, make it a "Happy Hour" doing whatever, I will begin to be happy at home.  My children and husband will see the person I am to everyone else.  They too will be able to say that I laugh all the time.   That I'm a tease.   The real, happy me.  


It's been a good day.  I've been happy.  My voice has been different.  My smile is back.  My real smile.  I had a talk with the three older boys this evening.  They all lost their iPods for a few days.  I explained to them that I'm making a conscious effort to be happy, and part of that is to follow through with consequences when I'm not minded or family responsibilities aren't done.  It went well, just because I did it without saying, "I'm sick of it" in the conversation.  It's amazing.  :)


I bought myself a clicker today.  I discovered it while looking online for the talk I mentioned above.  I never did find the talk but I found a clicker that will help me "click" for every happy thought.  Who knew?  I'm excited to get clicking.  Want to join me?  Click HERE to see how.  :)


And just when the day was about to end great....it got even better.  Sitting here blogging I heard some thunder that shook the house.  Where on earth did that come from?  It hasn't been overcast at all today.  And then, then I thought I heard some rain.  Could it really be?  I jumped up, ran out to the balcony and yes, it was indeed raining.  I walked out into the rain where there was a gentle breeze, closed my eyes with my face up to the sky and sang the words in my head, "When ever I feel the rain on my face, or the wind as it rushes by"..."Of all these creations of which I'm a part; Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me".  What a tender mercy.  Oh how I needed my Heavenly Father to tell me that He loves me right then.        It was just yesterday that I taught the children in primary that song.  I didn't know that I was really teaching that song to myself.  


This is a very private post, but hopefully it can help someone else.  We're all going through different things.  There's no sense in always acting as if everything is "okay".  That only leads to comparing with everyone else thinking that it's only you.   So if I can be the voice, so be it.  So grateful for my "Happy Hours" and that it's five o'clock somewhere.  Here's to "Happy Hour" everywhere and more importantly, my "Happy Hour"!

A bit of earth

The other day my anxiety kicked in for some reason and I was so close to checking myself into the E.R. but I decided not to run from it.  I needed to find something to do to be busy rather than just sitting around thinking about it and the sheer fact that I thought I was dying.  So, I grabbed some clippers and a garbage bag and went out to the back yard.  I worked and worked until I had seven bags of dead trimmings.  As I was working around the pool area the words from, The Secret Garden came to me.

"Might I," quavered Mary, "might I have a bit of earth?"

That's not exactly how I rememberd it.  I had to look it up.  I did remember her saying "bit of earth" thinking that everyone needed some.  As I was finishing up the clippings, I was so grateful for my very own bit of earth and how it helped me that day. 

While looking up this quote, I recognized many favorite scenes from two amazing books, now movies.  The Secret Garden and A Little Princess.  Oh, how I do need a girls night out with my nieces.  A tea party perhaps followed by feel good movies.  I'll get on that.  :)


Going up in my girls' room today?  These. 

Keltson's Run with my son

Last Saturday C, the girls and I went to Herriman to run a 5k in honor/memory of my friend's son that passed away almost three years ago.  I thought of sending out the big invite to any girlfriend that might want to jump in my car and go for the weekend like two years ago, but C heard that I was going and wanted to go along.  I decided that I wanted to just enjoy the trip with him seeing how I'm running out of time with him.  Why does it take him leaving on a mission in three months to feel like that?  Anyway, it was good.  Good for several reasons.  

We enjoyed eating places that he wanted to eat.  He wants to get his Italian fix in before it's all rice and beans for the next two years.  I had fun getting him his Flamin' Hot Cheetos to keep him awake while driving.  He looked so handsome in those slacks, white shirts and suits that we picked up at Mr. Mac's for his mission and he swears that he now has the most comfortable shoes out there.  Good.  Hope they last.  

This trip was different than other drives we've been on.  It wasn't just me at the wheel with a teenager in "gunshot" hooked up to his iPod staring out the window.  We talked the entire trip.  It was neat talking to my mature adult son.  We talked about a lot of things.  Growing up, why I think the way I do, A going to homecoming, serving a mission, etc.  

The time spent with my friend and her family was good.  They embraced C and were excited for his mission call.  For months I had been nervous to even talk to them about C's mission knowing that it was in the near future.  I didn't want to be insensitive to their feelings seeing how they lost Keltson just weeks before his mission to North Carolina.  But, there was a peace I felt about taking him with me.  I felt like they would be okay with it and happy for us.  They were, my fears had been dismissed.

The race itself, was the second most physically challenging thing I've ever done.  The course is "hilly" and I was pushing a double stroller with two girls in it.  A good 100 pounds.  The competitive person in me had to run and pass people.  When I was done, I wasn't sure if I wanted to puke, pass out, or collapse on the grass.  C was cute and was cheering me on at the end of the race.  That's a role reversal that was neat.  He introduced me to Popsicles afterwards swearing that they were the best thing after a race.  He was right, they were the best thing after running.  

I've been learning a lot lately about myself.  I've learned that I live in Phychological Time.  That for some reason I live in the future.  You know, the whole "what if?" thing.  They run used to run my life.  But, I can see myself changing and doing better.  I'm learning to live in the present.  The last several months prior to becoming "healthy" I've lived in fear that I might lose C like my friend lost her son.  Trying to look for signs that it might happen.  But, I finally came to terms with myself that just because she lost her son prior to serving his mission, didn't mean that I would lose mine with the same timing.  For me to take C on that trip, was huge to me.  I wasn't living in fear.  I was living in the present and embracing the moment and time with him.  I'm so grateful I've gotten over that.  Seriously, you have no idea.  

It was a good trip, a good time, and good to be back.  C got his passport on Friday.  We're now working on the details for his Visa. I visited with him a lot yesterday.  I love him.  I love the man that he's become.  I love the example he has been for my other children.  I love how he teaches me.  I love you C.

I'm glad I went to Keltson's Run with my son.

All is well. All is well.

While at my family reunion over the weekend, little g came running up to me with a huge grin on his face.  He handed me a beautiful white flower that he had found in the field.  After taking it from him and thanking him, I went on to tell him not to pick any more of them.  He was confused seeing how we were on the mountain and not in our backyard.  I went on to tell him about the Mormon pioneers and how the Native Americans taught them to eat the flowers' bulbs in the winter when food was scarce.  I explained how special they were to the Mormons, the people of Utah and to me.  His smile left his face.  My heart ached knowing that I had hurt him.  I tried to take a picture of the beloved Sego Lily with little g, but the damage was done.  He didn't buy into my story.  Someday perhaps.

Today at church we heard Mormon pioneer stories seeing how it's the anniversary of the LDS saints reaching the SLC valley in Utah.  Their lives of courage and faith strengthen me.  If they can do what they did, then certainly I can do what is asked of me.  I'm so grateful for those that have paved the road so that my family and I can have the gospel in our lives.  I've struggled with some anxiety this past week again.  I know what's brought it on.  I'll be visiting my therapist again Tuesday.  I think I need to talk things out, perhaps even pay her to whack me on the side of my head so that I can be normal again. 

I know I'm not having to push a handcart, bury my children or go hungry, but I have trials that try me.  I'm grateful for the simple beauty of the Sego Lilies yesterday, the pioneer stories that I heard today and the words of my favorite hymn, "Come, Come Ye Saints".  They give me the faith and courage to go on.  For in reality, I too am a pioneer paving the way for my own descendants. 

Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear;

But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell -
All is well! All is well!


Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!


We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away, in the West ,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
Where the saints, will be blessed.
We'll make the air, with music ring,
Shout praises to our God and King;
Above the rest these words we'll tell -
All is well! All is well!


And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again
To see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell-
All is well! All is well!

All while pitting my apricots

Yesterday two people randomly dropped off apricots.  Too bad not any of us like them.  The flavor.  The fur.  Ooohh.  The fur is just sick!  I'm actually cringing right now thinking about it hitting my tongue. 

The girls were curious as to what they were so they asked for one.  I watched to see their reaction to see if it was anything like mine.  Nope.  No weird faces pulled.  Got me thinking that hey, I've grown up a lot.  Perhaps I could tolerate one now that I'm thirty nine.  So, I took a little nibble.  The fur was still there.  But, the flavor wasn't vile so I took another little nibble.  Hmmm.  I thought.  If I can keep the fur off my tongue then I might do alright with these.  Yes, perhaps alright.  I don't see myself buying any, but they're bagged up in my freezer for smoothies.  I'm all about disguising food that's less than desirable.  To a degree mom!  Not venison, elk, or zucchini in a pie!!  Like fish and chips.  Seafood is sick!!  But fry a bland piece of fish in a good batter and dip it in a good sauce, now that's yummy.  So, I'm assuming my apricots will be yummy in a smoothie.

Anyway...while I was pitting my apricots I got thinking.  Like a light bulb went on thinking.  Like I may have just been my own shrink kind of thinking.  All week I have been really organized and have made extra meals to throw in the freezer.  I was excited to add my apricots to my freezer collection for a "rainy" day.  You know like when you're running several directions at night to games, scouts, etc.  But....a certain thought came to mind.  One that I have had haunt me for fifteen years. 

The day after I was burned I was to begin watching a baby for a friend of mine four days a week.  I knew that having three little kids under the age of three was going to keep me busy.  I knew that I wasn't going to be running around as much.  I knew that I wanted my house in order, all my shopping done and everything ready prior to beginning my new "job".  So, I was.  Everything was perfect.  But then I got burned and I never did babysit for my friend.  I was at the hospital for over two weeks trying to recover while my grandma-in-law and then mother flew out to take care of my young family.  Ever since then I've not liked things "perfect" because it creates a wonderful "what if" situation.  Like "What if something happens again now that everything is perfect for someone to come in and take care of my family?"  Can you imagine living that way?

Well, today as I had that same conversation with myself, I told myself to "Stop it!  You're just getting control of your life!  Nothing is going to happen.  If something does happen, you'll be ready but STOP worrying about it right now!!!"  What in the heck have I become?  I can't even throw half a casserole dish in the freezer without thinking something terrible is going to happen.  So, that's where I really started to evaluate myself.  How I somehow sabotage myself in so many different areas.  With my house, my cooking, my weight,  and so many more things. Why I'd much rather be spontaneous than have things planned in advance.  I'm actually bawling my head off right now thinking about it.  How I've never talked about this before.  But, I guess that's a start.  I guess that's part of the healing process.  The returning to being healthy and happy process. 

I'm going to do it.  I'm taking back control of my life.  No more maybes, what ifs, whens or any other word that might keep me a prisoner in this anxious body.  I'm ready to be free and I'm on my way.

Weird to think this all came about while pitting my apricots.  They just might be my new favorite food.  :)

*This may explain why I am the way I am to some of you.  Hopefully it will.  I'll try to be do better.

Turning the page

What a fun day I had today. A birthday lunch with one friend and a birthday dinner for another. It was a rough life indeed. :)

Have you ever really felt the power of others praying for you? I have. All week. Every time I turn around there's more evidence of a loving Father in Heaven that wants me to succeed and be happy. For lunch I took a friend out for her birthday. It was after we had talked for over two hours that we realized we had become friends during that time.

She shared different experiences that she's had the last three years. She then said that just this past September she decided to "turn the page" and move on. My desperate ears heard those words and knew that once again Heavenly Father was aware of the secret pleadings of my heart and prayers of my parents. Just a couple hours prior to that I had made a decision that I no longer wanted to think or speak about the feelings and emotions I've had the last week. Good riddens. Bye bye. Hasta la vista baby!

I left excited for the day and looked forward to returning home a new me. The old me. Page turned. Once again, another friend, heaven sent.

I spent this evening with a bunch of girlfriends. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Oh I do love feeling like me again. There I am! That's me! The real me! Oh I do love my hugemungous laugh/smile! Makes me happy.

Now I'm off to give D a backrub for being so cute to me today. It's only fair after spending his day off watching the kids all day. Have I said that I love that man?

Just the way you are

Lots of things on my mind this new year of 2011. Parties to plan, trips to book, reunions to attend, parents coming home, kindergarten graduation, high school graduation, another driver, a new deacon, a new priest, a new elder, C's mission, twenty year wedding anniversary, turning 40 and have I mentioned my quarenta-era? te he

Despite all those neat and exciting things ahead, my anxiety decided to show up again while I was visiting my parents. It's still lingering. It usually takes several weeks for me to get back to "me" again. I'm working on it. I'll get there. I've had a couple neat experiences and received some tender mercies from my Heavenly Father so I know that I'm not having to do this on my own.

One of the downfalls of anxiety and the panic attacks are thinking that you're a real mental case. Seriously. The thought occured to me, or the worry rather, that what if D sends me away to the mental hospital some day? That he might not want me if I'm crazy. Welcome to my world of psychoticness. That's what anxiety does. You are NOT yourself!!

Tonight I was going over pictures that we had taken of our family in December. There are some that just made me smile. Like really smile. I put this one up on my screen saver.

I thought, "I look cute in this picture". Surely D likes me right now. Then I remembered this song that I heard for the first time a few weeks ago. It's a MUST!! Go to itunes and buy it RIGHT NOW! It's called, "Just the way you are" by Bruno Mars. S and I danced to it while I sang in her ear. She was cute and sang along with me when it got to, "way you are".

I LOVE this song. I love imagining D singing it to me. I'm fine if it's just Bruno singing it to me. It's so great. It should be on a Dove commercial. It's a song that my girls are going to grow up with.

Anyway...I'm tearing up right now thinking about it. Surely I have shared way too much this time. But, I'm glad that I've got a guy that does love me just the way I am. Big hair or a bun. Great cook or frozen dinners. Ironed shirts or piles of clothes. Confident or anxious. He believes in me. He's patient with me. He loves me. It's much more than looking cute in a picture or fitting in my skinny jeans. It's loving everything about me or rather accepting everything about me and embracing the woman, wife and mother that I am despite my imperfections, fears and weaknesses.

I'm looking forward to this year and all the new changes it will bring. Glad I get to share it with you D. I love you. Just the way YOU are.

*Didn't I tell you how awesome this song was? It'll probably play a few hundred times on my ipod the next while. :)

Recognizing "happy"

I'm doing a happy dance over here. Well, not really. But I am happy.

It started this morning when I received an email from my mom. My parents are so happy doing what they're doing. They are loving their mission. They are loving the people.

I was so touched when I read these words that my mom included this morning.

"My thoughts for our grandchildren are:
If you could hear what we hear, meet these wonderful children of God, and feel what we feel about the need to share our knowledge, love, and direction with others, you'd understand how we could leave you for 18 months. You have super parents who love you, support you, and teach you the gospel. You have two parents who love each other. You have the gospel in your family tree. These people need what we can give them, for they don't have what you do. We love you, and hope that not only will you understand, but you too will have the desire to be instruments in the Lord's hands. To all of our grandsons......our desire is so great (and we mention it in our prayers everyday) that you will all serve missions when you reach 19 years of age. We want you to prepare now, at whatever age you are. Study the scriptures, follow the prophet, save your money, and make right choices..You will then be able to teach what you know and what you have lived."

Look at the way my cousin is pulling his dad in after having returned from his two year LDS mission this week. The way that his fingers are fanned out say that he's happy.

I can't help but think that I may have a missionary myself in just two years. It's something that we've prayed for for years as well. We talk about the boys serving missions. They're preparing.

Part of my anxiety that I've dealt with for years was worrying about whether or not my boys would choose to serve missions. I've recently learned that I just need to give my children a foundation of the gospel that they may build their own testimonies upon. That's it. Heavenly Father has a plan. I need to have faith in His plan. I'm a different person because of that knowledge. Now I can live happily and not worry or be fearful.

That's really personal. But...if I'm going to keep it real here, then I might as well share what I've learned to possibly help someone else out. We're in this together. :)

On a fun note...

I'm going to a city. he he

I got to tuck this little girl in bed. (yes, she's actually asleep)

I had my own photo shoot.

Yip, just me, my camera, my front entry way, and a kid that's passing by to push the button. It's kind of fun being silly. Plus it makes me happy.

"Years may wrinkle the skin, but the lack of enthusiasm will wrinkle the soul." --Anonymous

Here's a little something that will make you happy.

You don't have to clean this room. (I couldn't TRY to replicate the messes these girls make at nap and bedtime!!)

Finding "me" again

Today is a big day. I see my therapist at 3:00 and I will be telling her today that I won't be needing her anymore. Just over two months ago I could barely drag myself in to see her. I sat on the edge of her couch with my hands nervously clenched and ANXIOUS! Anxious about what we might talk about, whether or not she'd make me more anxious, and the fear of not getting "fixed". She's seen me improve week to week. I'VE seen me improve week to week. I believe I've reached my goals. I've surpassed my goals really. I'm better than I have been in a long time. I had forgotten how good being "me" was.

I remember her asking me the second time I spoke with her how I was doing with my babies? I quickly told her how blessed I had been. I pointed out how blessed I was to not be bothered by my daily ponytails, my flip flops, lack of entertaining, lack of friends, etc. She asked, "Really? You're okay with all that?" I then hesitantly answered back, "Yes, I mean, I've really been blessed to not have that bother me the last couple of years."

She went on to explain to me that I could say that it was difficult and that I really did miss those things and the Lord wouldn't consider me ungrateful. I guess I had gotten that mixed up sometime. She told me to grieve that week about missing "me". I can't believe what a difference it made. I'm a better wife, mother, and friend because of her. Now I'm back dressing up, entertaining, dressing the kids up like Cowboys fans when D comes home from work, checking in on friends, taking trips, shopping, and being happy again. I couldn't fool her for a second. She knew me better than myself.

I read Nie Nie's post just barely and could really relate in so many ways. I once mourned the woman I used to be, and now I'm enjoying being "me" again. Being "me" isn't perfect, nor do I have a perfect life, but it's a place where I'm comfortable, confident, and able to answer to my children at the end of each day, that yes, I had a good day.

Today's nap time.

Now is the time to return to virtue

I am on a high lately. I'm feeling liberated.

I'm preparing a really neat activity for young womens on Wednesday. I'll be talking to the young women and their mothers about virtue with the theme being, "Now is the time to return to virtue". I found a really neat video clip that I sobbed through all three times I watched it. I then found another faithful thought for myself.

Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. ~Jeffrey R. Holland

Isn't that amazing? I love it.

As for keeping it real like my new header says, I've been sick all day. You can have too much of a good thing. I should have stopped with my one piece of elderberry pie last night. A piece for breakfast pushed my body over the edge and I was in the bathroom all day. Needless to say, I can't make myself eat another piece for awhile.

Something wonderful and #10

My oh my how things have changed around here. "Things" as in my days in general. One of my children has been asking me everyday if I've had a good day. That's amazing, because of the child that it comes from. Anyway, I'm saying yes, and really meaning it. I'm really having good days. I'm not losing my cool, my house is together, I'm in blouses, jeans and heels again, and I'm content with things. I'm enjoying my kids. Like smiling ear to ear enjoying my kids. I told my therapist this week that I loved her. She really has changed my life.

I love this faithful thought that I found. Without even realizing it, I know it to be true. Little things such as one of my children wondering if I had a good day, is something truly wonderful. Seeing my daughters dressed up in tutus, heels, and purses yesterday was wonderful. Having D tell me that I'm happier is wonderful. I'm going to keep the faith and look forward to something wonderful today.

"Who knows that something wonderful may happen today. Have faith that it will. After all, every morning is a chance at a new day." ~Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I just published this post but had to hurry and add this. As I turned to check on the kids in the bath tub I came to a conclusion that coed baths end today. B was flapping something of little g's. LOL

It was a break through of a day!! and #9 of 10

Can I just say that everyone should have a therapist?!! I'm all figured out today. What a feeling. It's amazing. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but hey, at least we've figured out why I think the way I do.

I was told last week that there was something "deliciously bitter" about my thoughts and anxiety. It's been driving me crazy all week wondering what in the world is so delicious about it. NOTHING!! I couldn't wait to hear what it was. So, I played along today until I dared ask if this was the "deliciously bitter" part? She said yes. I was flabbergasted. I quickly told her that she was awesome, that I loved her, and I continued to giggle.

I couldn't believe that she could figure me out.

Well, if you ever want me to talk your ear off, or you need an ear to listen, give me a call. It's amazing. It's quite personal but I'd share.

I'm now up to seventeen faithful thoughts that I've now recorded on my phone. I love it. Have you ever inserted your name into a scripture as though the Savior was speaking to you? It changes the meaning a lot. That's what I'm supposed to do.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

I find so much comfort in that scripture. It makes me wonder why I let my thoughts run wild until I'm anxious, when I know that they don't come from a loving Father in Heaven. He's given me power, love and a sound mind. All things that my troubled heart needs.

#8 of 10

Do you ever take note of when you actually feel joy? It's a completely different feeling than happy. I usually recognize it as a tender mercy from God. I'm content. I'm at peace. I feel like I'm beaming. I'm overcome with gratitude. I feel as though God just told me, "T, I love you."

I found this faithful thought in my "Stand A Little Taller" book. I loved it. I loved that it told me to stop seeking out the storms. I love that it tells me to accentuate on the positive.

Men are, that they might have joy. -- 2 Nephi 2:25

"I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we"accentuate the positive." I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort." -- Gordon B. Hinckley

Have you ever thought of keeping a "joy" journal? I always think about it and never get to it. I'm going to start. Can you imagine having a record of all your tender mercies and miracles recorded in one place? THAT, would bring me joy.

I called my mom today with #7 of 10

I think I've called my mom about six times in the last three days or so. But today, I called with a giggle and asked her if she was sick of me yet? I had to give her my report.

My report was...Well, first off. I was doing better. Better than last night when I called sobbing wondering if she could come rescue me today. We made arrangements for her to come help me a couple of weeks ago with some mothering/housewife things that I've felt like I've failed at. It is supposed to be on Monday but I felt desperate and didn't think I could wait until then. She gave me some pointers and the day went very differently.

Today after meeting with my therapist, I once again, left feeling encouraged. Like I had turned a new leaf? She got me thinking again. I guess that's what I'm paying for. Is for her to get me to think differently.

As I was leaving her office she told me that she wants me to stop saying negative things about myself. I was shocked. I have really good self esteem. But, I did remember calling myself a psycho. I asked her if that was what she was referring to. She said, "yes". I giggled and told her that I knew I wasn't psycho, that I just thought differently than everyone else. She reassured me that that wasn't the case.

Once I got in the car I realized that one of my very own "Faithful thought cards" that I had found on my own said,

"I feel to invite every woman everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass." -- Gordon B. Hinckley

Wow! Had I really not paid attention to that one in the last week? I must have told my mom that I had failed in a couple of things several times. I even went so far as to have said "failed" every time too.

I decided right then, that I hadn't failed. I was humble and teachable and was willing to learn and try some new things in my home. After all, my day had been better than yesterday with my mom's pointers. So it was then, that I called my mom again, and told her what I had learned. I also told her that I wouldn't be needing her this next coming Monday.

We joke about "think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts." But it's true. I'm learning to do that again. I'm learning that I'M in control of my thoughts and I'm going to discard any negative thoughts. It will change my life. And I've got a great one!

#6 of 10

I'm not normally a "list" person, but today I sure was. I had the most productive day and it felt great. I was scratching all kinds of things off my list and even threw in several unexpected physicals, painting furniture, high school counselor appointments, decorating a cake, etc.

As each "good" day comes to a close, I think about how blessed and fortunate I am to be surrounded by such a good support system.

I'm going to chalk it up as another good day. :)


A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. -- Proverbs 17:22

#5 of 10

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk...I know, I've got one thing on the brain. But, it's helping. It's helping when I talk about "it". I went on a spontaneous trip up to my grandma's cabin today with the three youngest kids.

On my way back I accidentally called a sister-in-law today. LOL (Hi E) I'm so glad I did. We had a conversation that not too many people generally do. And...we understood each other. She got it. Somehow it's therapeutic to be able to talk about "it". It's a secret life that you put up with and can't run away from as much as you try.

After dumping, I mean gently tucking the children in bed, I too collapsed in bed. Although it's been a long day and I'm pooped, I'm up again. Up with a sick baby and posting my homework. As I do my homework it gets me thinking. I'm very strong in my faith. I know God loves me and wants the best for me. These faithful thoughts aren't to get me more "active". They're to help my mind understand the real power source. They're to help my mind separate and then discard my negative thoughts because somehow they're running rampid in my head. It's not an overnight fix. Today I struggled a little. But I know I'm on my way.

Hang in there with me. I'm only going to ten. I received an email tonight from a dear friend that I've thought the world of ever since I met her in fourth grade. She too understands "it" and has been thinking about me. I appreciated it more than she'll ever know.

Thanks again for all your support, thoughts and prayers. And...I'd be a fool if I didn't think that my name's been in the temple somewhere. I can feel it. Love you.


That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light will grow brighter and brighter until the perfect day. -- Doctrine & Covenants 50:24