Yesterday two people randomly dropped off apricots. Too bad not any of us like them. The flavor. The fur. Ooohh. The fur is just sick! I'm actually cringing right now thinking about it hitting my tongue.
The girls were curious as to what they were so they asked for one. I watched to see their reaction to see if it was anything like mine. Nope. No weird faces pulled. Got me thinking that hey, I've grown up a lot. Perhaps I could tolerate one now that I'm thirty nine. So, I took a little nibble. The fur was still there. But, the flavor wasn't vile so I took another little nibble. Hmmm. I thought. If I can keep the fur off my tongue then I might do alright with these. Yes, perhaps alright. I don't see myself buying any, but they're bagged up in my freezer for smoothies. I'm all about disguising food that's less than desirable. To a degree mom! Not venison, elk, or zucchini in a pie!! Like fish and chips. Seafood is sick!! But fry a bland piece of fish in a good batter and dip it in a good sauce, now that's yummy. So, I'm assuming my apricots will be yummy in a smoothie.
Anyway...while I was pitting my apricots I got thinking. Like a light bulb went on thinking. Like I may have just been my own shrink kind of thinking. All week I have been really organized and have made extra meals to throw in the freezer. I was excited to add my apricots to my freezer collection for a "rainy" day. You know like when you're running several directions at night to games, scouts, etc. But....a certain thought came to mind. One that I have had haunt me for fifteen years.
The day after I was burned I was to begin watching a baby for a friend of mine four days a week. I knew that having three little kids under the age of three was going to keep me busy. I knew that I wasn't going to be running around as much. I knew that I wanted my house in order, all my shopping done and everything ready prior to beginning my new "job". So, I was. Everything was perfect. But then I got burned and I never did babysit for my friend. I was at the hospital for over two weeks trying to recover while my grandma-in-law and then mother flew out to take care of my young family. Ever since then I've not liked things "perfect" because it creates a wonderful "what if" situation. Like "What if something happens again now that everything is perfect for someone to come in and take care of my family?" Can you imagine living that way?
Well, today as I had that same conversation with myself, I told myself to "Stop it! You're just getting control of your life! Nothing is going to happen. If something does happen, you'll be ready but STOP worrying about it right now!!!" What in the heck have I become? I can't even throw half a casserole dish in the freezer without thinking something terrible is going to happen. So, that's where I really started to evaluate myself. How I somehow sabotage myself in so many different areas. With my house, my cooking, my weight, and so many more things. Why I'd much rather be spontaneous than have things planned in advance. I'm actually bawling my head off right now thinking about it. How I've never talked about this before. But, I guess that's a start. I guess that's part of the healing process. The returning to being healthy and happy process.
I'm going to do it. I'm taking back control of my life. No more maybes, what ifs, whens or any other word that might keep me a prisoner in this anxious body. I'm ready to be free and I'm on my way.
Weird to think this all came about while pitting my apricots. They just might be my new favorite food. :)
*This may explain why I am the way I am to some of you. Hopefully it will. I'll try to be do better.